18
Apr
09

Ask A TransWoman!

Attack!

Attack!

Dear TransProviser,

So I was wondering, (and I apologize in advance, because you probably get this question all the time) what part of being a trans is the most like being a secret agent:

A) The cool gadgets (e.g. laser torch watch, exploding dental floss, ball point pen w/ homing signal, etc.)?

B) Infiltrating the secret lairs of super villains?

C) Fighting henchmen with weird names/shticks/artificial appendages (claws, metal teeth, cybernetic arm, laser eye, etc)?

D) Saving the world from almost certain peril?

Yeah I know… probably have to answer that one all the time.

Sincerely,
Curiosity Is Super

Dear CIS,

You are right.  If I have to answer this question one more time I will scream.

Aiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaiaiaiaiaiaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigghghgghghghghhh!!!!!!!

I’ll take your question in the order presented.

A) Yes, the gadgets are pretty nifty.  You’d be surprised what kind of circuitry can be hidden in a new pair of tits!!  Two words.  Spy cams.
That’s right.  When the pervs are staring at my tits, they’re staring right back!  And they’re broadcasting to my Fortress Of Transition to be recorded for future job search “leverage”.
Also, the hormones have the added benefit of giving me Ultra-Empathy.  I can feel any person’s emotions at distances up to a mile.
Of course I also have a tube of lipstick that is actually a small thermonuclear device.  But that’s just standard.  Most women have one of those.
And that’s just the beginning of the gadget list, but I can’t tell all my secrets or I’d have to kill you with my Gay Disco Intensifier Ray.  Trust me, it’s a seriously gruesome, glittering death.

B) What most people don’t realize about super villains is that they put on THE BEST parties in their “Secret Lairs”!  You really haven’t been to a great party until you’ve partied in a hollowed out underwater Volcano.  Forget “Pink Floyd at The Planetarium”.  Evil Masterminds really know how to put on a laser show!!!
The only trick is to leave before the host gets too drunk and wants to corner you to make you listen to their “Secret Plans To Take Over The World”.  Bor-ring!!!

C) Oy, the henchmen!!!  What a fricken nuisance!  My inbox is always full of emails from a million henchmen who all want to send me pics of their Special Appendages.  And no introduction just, like, “Me Kill!!  Master Pleased!!!”
You know just once I’d like to get an email that just has a headshot and maybe, “Hi, I’m Claw-Man.  Perhaps we could do battle sometime?”
Or, “Greetings.  My name is Destructor.  If you are free this Thursday I’d like to take you for drinks and maybe a movie.  Then perhaps, if you’re feeling it, I could tie you up and deliver you to my Evil Master.”
Now that’s a good time!  A little politeness and courtesy can go a long way.

Oh, well.  I guess maybe that’s asking too much.

D) As for saving the world from almost certain peril.  I swear we’d love to get to that, if only people would stop being so worried about which bathroom we use.
How are we supposed to stop all the plots to destroy the world if we have to spend hours trying to find the Unisex Restrooms first?!?!  Do you think James Bond ever has that problem?
Seriously, most people don’t realize how much water you have to drink while saving the world.  Epic Battle can really Dehydrate a TransGirl!!!

I hope that quenches your curiosity CIS.  If I can add just one little bit of understanding to the world about us Transgendered folks, I will have done my job.

This blog will self-destruct in 10- 9- 8- 7- 6-

Resolution!

Resolution!

Photos by Daniel Rivas.  Models are Lorelei Erisis & Widow Centauri.

(Thanks to SR who sent me this question.  Seriously.  It was a real question!)

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