Posts Tagged ‘truth

12
Aug
11

Silence.

The silence always unnerves me.

I feel like I always have to have some… thing, going on.

Some music playing, some voices talking.

Some distraction from being alone with my own thoughts.

Because the silence is never silent.

The reason I rarely smoke marijuana anymore is because it just makes the noise in my head louder.  My thoughts run rampant from a million directions at once.

But that’s what it’s always like in my head more or less.

I think I’m afraid that if there’s no music on, maybe the thoughts’ll get so loud that the neighbors’ll hear ‘em.

Even when it’s quiet, it’s never silent.

The outside world leaks in.  The noise on the street.

A car honking, a machine whirring.  Indistinct voices speaking in a rapid fire patter.  A cadence you can tell as not English even though you can’t hear the words.

Those even can be distraction enough.

I’m afraid to be still.

My day is full of distractions.

From the moment I wake up, I’m trying to do anything but listen to my own thoughts.

I can’t nap during the day, and if I wake up for any reason, no matter how little sleep I’ve had, I’m up for good.  Once the fog clears, my brain starts to whirring.  All of the thoughts chased away by sleep’s sweet fog come crashing in on me.

The silence means I can hear them.

Even these words are distraction.  I start typing because a thought hits me and I can’t ignore it.  But then the words themselves fill my head.

I struggle to maintain honesty and not get caught up in the cadence and the details.

All I ever want to do is tell the truth.  It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.

But not truth as in 1 plus 1 equals 2.  Or I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God.

The truth of a story.  Of poetry.

The truth that rings in your heart.  A little bell that sounds, “I know that…”

I want to get up onstage and open my mouth because that’s the only place the thoughts leak out.

The floodgates open up and all those thoughts come pouring out.

And my head quiets down.

When I’m in front of a crowd is the only time I am alone and it’s silent.

 

06
May
10

Raw

I was going to write about some drama, some politics that have been going on in  the trans community recently.  But honestly, I’m a little tired of trans politics right now.  It’s spring and I’m much more interested in human life and love and everyday things like waiting for a boy to call or figuring out what your heart is saying.  What MY heart is saying.

After all, that’s why this blog is called “transproviser”.  It’s about all things trans, but it’s about life and improvising as I go along too.  I want people to see when they read this blog, that as fabulous as I can be, as big as my public image may seem sometimes, I’m a real person.  Just like any of you.  I drive myself crazy hoping the cute boy will call.  I worry about the people I love.  I question myself and cry and sometimes drink too much when I’m alone.

And this is why I even do the things I do anyway.  Why I fight for “trans rights”.  It’s not about semantics to me.  Offensive words and flickering media.  It’s about everyday life.  Having a roof over my head and food in my pantry.  A job that’ll pay the bills so I can take my girl out every so often.  So I can have cab fare home if the cute boy turns out to be a douche.  It’s about taking care of my family and taking care of my self.  And about every single other person on the planet, trans, black, white, Hispanic, muslim, geeky, poor, hungry, being able to do these same things themselves.  Take care of themselves and take care of their families.  However they may define family.

It really and truly bothers me when anyone is hurting.  When I meet a homeless man who asks me “what was the most painful experience of my life?”  I stop and think.  This is honesty.  If I take it seriously, this is a moment of real connection.  So I tell him in order for him to tell me.  I share my pain so he can share his.  At a personal level, while looking into the eyes of another human being.  It’s an intense moment.  Like all moments it passes and we both retreat back to our roles.  But for a second it was there.  That is why I fight.  That is what gets me out of bed in the morning.

I’m scared.  Jumping tracks into what I really mean to say.  Steering away from the abstract.  I’m scared.  I’m just beginning to find who I am.  To find the new me.

I have been afraid to completely step away from the old me though.  I don’t really know how.

The writing flowed like an opened vein until that moment.  Just here.  Now I am at truth and my fingers suddenly are typing through mud.  The past is threatening to revisit my now.  To come from the then to where I am in the moment.  Can I even handle that?  I deal in all these abstracts, what happens when I have to live with the reality of my ideas?  I claim to be sex-positive and kinky and poly and pan and all of these things.  I have legitimately had adventures well beyond the experience of many I meet.  Whether vanilla or kinky.  You would think I’d be free.  But still, when someone touches me I freeze.  My breathing stops.  I talk and talk and talk and you would think by my words and my confidence I was immune from the same insecurities that plague all human hearts.  But I’m here to tell you I am not.

I am just as starved for human touch.  I am just as insecure.  I am just as afraid of rejection and heartache.  I am terrified of hurting someone else.  Of causing another pain.

In sexual terms, I have been looking to find a top to whom I can bottom.  But I have recently discovered a sadistic side in myself.  I think it is a reaction to my fear of causing pain.  It’s a pretty extreme reaction too.  It’s a pretty intense fear.

Again though, I dance around the truth, whirling in the abstract.  Why is it so hard to simply say what I mean?

Or am I?  Can you see beyond my words into the truth of what I’m feeling?  Can you see that these are not abstracts?  That this is not just a dance but an actual example of my fear?  My fear for instance of hurting another human being manifested by my careful avoidance of names and specifics.

Well if that’s what you guessed you win the zero-dollar prize.

And the worst part of it?  The worst part for me the writer and for you the reader?  This is actual life.  Not semantics or politics or polemics.   Or even good fiction.  This is a glance inside of me.  And there is not going to be a tidy ending.  There is not a solution which through this writing will miraculously and stylishly present itself.  It is life, wonderful and painful and messy and now.  There is no summation.  No wrapping up statement that’s going to happen.  My difficulties will still be that real and present as will yours.  But maybe by my opening my wound for you we can share a moment for a second.  A bit of truth a bit of connection before this, doesn’t end so much, as simply stops.




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